How to Turn FOMO to JOMO if You’re Not Drinking This Summer
In January 2017, I made the conscious decision to stop drinking alcohol. Not because I had a problem (I was a “normal” social drinker), but because I couldn’t shake the feeling that my life would be more vibrant without the endless string of happy hours and hangovers that had become my reality.
In the Spring of 2017, just five months into my alcohol-free journey, my friend Summer invited me to be her plus-one to a wedding on an all-inclusive resort in Tulum, Mexico. By this point, I’d already committed to taking a full six-month break from alcohol I was just a month away from meeting my goal by the time we arrived in Mexico. I started the trip with confidence high, I looked forward to experiencing my trip clear-headed and hangover free. But my enthusiasm began to dwindle as we stepped onto the resort where I was immediately offered an umbrella-topped cocktail and found myself surrounded by carefree travelers and the promise of endless free, tropical drinks. Suddenly, my confidence turned to doubt and dread.
Me on the beach in Tulum, Mexico — FULL OF JOMO
I started down an anxiety spiral, intricately playing out the worst-case scenarios in my head. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to relax and fully enjoy my vacation. I felt anxious about being surrounded by strangers, all cutting loose and having the time of their lives at a wedding while I was the sober loser. Immediately, my fear of missing out set in. Everywhere I turned, there was an opportunity to falter on the commitment I’d made to myself.
There was a moment where I thought, “You should just make an exception, you’ve done so well, don’t you deserve a reward? After all, you’ve paid for unlimited drinks; why not relax and have some fun?” The idea of wasting money almost sent me over the edge. Then, I walked by the resort’s poolside bar and took inventory of what “all-inclusive” drinks included. Even the liquors that lined the top shelf of the bar guaranteed nothing but an all-consuming hangover. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a juice bar and that became my saving grace. Instead of spending my week drinking cheap booze and wine, I enjoyed an endless supply of smoothies and juices and felt all the better for it.
I relished the feeling of waking up in paradise hangover-free. Without the hazy veil of alcohol to cover my senses, I was able to experience every moment of my trip through the eyes of wonder. We hiked through Mayan ruins, snorkeled, and explored whimsical cenotes. We swam with dolphins and manatees and did goofy water aerobics. I remember every epic moment of that trip. Although I thought I might miss out on all the fun by not drinking, I honestly think it was the first time in my adult life I truly experienced what fun is.
Turn FOMO into JOMO
My experience in Mexico is a perfect example of turning the fear of missing out (FOMO) into the joy of missing out (JOMO). This skill will become your superpower as an alcohol-free person. Once I became willing to see the world through the eyes of joy, rather than the eyes of fear, my perception and entire experience shifted.
When I consider what I actually missed out on during that trip — free bottom-shelf booze, emotional numbness, and brutal hangovers — I realize that I wasn’t missing out on much. It’s ironic that we all tend to psyche ourselves out over the fun we’ll miss out on if we’re the only one not drinking. In reality, the only thing we’re missing out on is being drunk.
The simple fact is that I would have missed out on so much more had I chosen to drink on my trip. I would have missed out on the full sensory experience of the ocean air and the epic sunsets. I would have missed out on the acute awareness I had on each and every adventure. Had I been hungover, I would have sulked through the Mayan ruins and nursed an unavoidable headache while swimming in the Cenotes. I would have been numb to my emotions and wouldn’t have experienced the pure childlike bliss of swimming with dolphins and having a manatee nuzzle my leg. And, if I’m being really detailed and brutally honest, I probably would have hurled on the tour bus full of strangers as we whipped through rocky jungle backroads on the way to all of our sightseeing adventures.
What I experienced on my trip is the joy of missing out. I want you to experience this joy, too, because it is nothing short of exceptional. Whether you’re navigating the fear of missing out during a vacation or an everyday social event, you can use this five-step method for turning FOMO into JOMO:
Step 1: Commit to your joy. The first step for shifting FOMO to JOMO is to simply commit to your joy. When you commit to joy, you are not only committing to experiencing the joy that’s available to you in the moment, but also the extended pride and joy you will feel for yourself each time you conquer an experience sober.
I have never had a client tell me they regret staying sober at an event, social gathering, or on a vacation. On the contrary, they’ve always recounted how confident they feel for staying strong in the face of temptation.
JOY = finding fun in the little moments
Step 2: Play the tape forward. If you’ve found yourself in a FOMO spiral, take a moment to play the tape forward and get real about what you’re truly missing out on. How do you normally feel after you drink? Sluggish, anxious, regretful, dreadfully hungover? Are these really the experiences you desire?
A great example of playing the tape forward is my client Theresa who told me she often missed the feeling of relaxing and having a glass of wine with her girlfriends or partner. Every few weeks, when the weather was nice or the kids were with a sitter, she’d fantasize about those precious few moments where she’d slip under the spell of alcohol. Yet, before I could offer her any coaching and encouragement, Theresa would undoubtedly follow up with a confident affirmation that she’d played the tape forward and was not interested in the consequences that came from that temporary trip into emotional numbness. For Theresa, that feeling was always fleeting and frequently morphed into anger, rage, or anxiety. The nights with her girlfriends turned into blurry memories and romantic evenings with her partner could quickly shift to bickering. By playing the tape forward, Theresa was able to do the math and remember that the payoff wouldn’t be worth the momentary reward.
Admittedly, playing the tape forward can be extremely challenging when faced with the very real fear of missing out on whatever you believe it is that others are experiencing. If you find yourself getting stuck here, move on to Step 3.
Step 3: Get clear on what you think you’re missing. My client Dianna was plagued by FOMO when she hired me as her coach. Dianna and her family had just moved to their dream home in a new neighborhood and was inundated with friends and family members bringing by fancy bottles of wine to celebrate.
Dianna told me that what she was most afraid of missing out on was the shared experience of having a bottle of wine with her friends. For one, Dianna had coded wine as a sophisticated experience where everyone was discussing vintages, vineyards, and tannins. In addition, Dianna felt herself being jealous of her friends who slowly slipped into another energetic dimension with each sip while she stayed rooted in reality.
For connoisseurs, the thought of missing out on the experience of wine, craft beer, bourbon, or your favorite drink of choice can feel defeating. I can see the temptation behind paying respect to the craft of fermentation, brewing, and distilling. I mean no disrespect to the masters of these fields. If I’m being honest, I still don’t have a fool-proof argument for those who identify as connoisseurs of any type. And yet, I say this lovingly, I haven’t met a single conscious, sober curious person who can honestly tell me they sit around with their friends and wax philosophically about the craft of making alcohol. I’ve even had clients who are sommeliers who tell me they rarely get into a true intelligent discussion about wine.
When I ask my clients to describe the shared experience with me, they confess that the conversations are typically some version of, “Try this expensive wine, it tastes good.” Therefore, I always challenge them with the uncomfortable question: Couldn’t you have just as meaningful, and much more memorable, of a shared experience if you enjoyed, say, a piece of decadent cake from a talented baker? Admittedly, most of my clients become uncomfortably silent when I ask this question. The harsh reality is that the thing you most miss out on when you choose not to drink is the momentarily blissful experience of getting tipsy or drunk.
Me at the Mayan Ruins in Tulum, MX — would not have enjoyed this hungover
Step 4: Nurture your inner child. Deep down, most of us are self-conscious adolescents living in adult bodies and our deepest desire is to fit in. In order to achieve your truest potential, it’s imperative that you nurture this inner adolescent and commit to living your full potential as an individuated, self-expressed, mature adult.
When I stopped drinking, there was nothing that I secretly feared more than reverting back to the gawky, awkward teenage girl who I’d tried to leave behind all those years ago. I’d done my best to mask her insecurities by adopting my Party Girl persona, but deep down, 17-year-old me was still running the show. Instead of being angry with her or ashamed, I chose to do what I hadn’t had the skills to do all those years ago: I chose to love and nurture her. When I did, I realized that most of my lingering FOMO came from her.
Even many of my clients who began drinking well into adulthood share that they did so to fit in with their peers, colleagues, and romantic partners. Wherever your FOMO stemmed from, I encourage you to work on loving and nurturing the part of you that is afraid of being rejected or excluded.
To begin, make this your mantra: “I am deserving and capable of having fun.”
Me on the second leg of our trip in Havana, Cuba where everything was so profoundly beautiful & inspiring
Step 5: See through the eyes of joy. I am always in awe of how much joy and beauty I am able to experience now that I’m alcohol-free. It’s as if I’m Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, finally seeing the world in technicolor for the first time. As a sober woman, my senses are now heightened to the world around me. Tapping into those sense is a great way to experience more joy.
Early on in my sobriety, I made the commitment to see through the eyes of joy. But also, to smell, hear, touch, and taste through joy as well. In every experience, I challenge myself to lean into my senses and fully embrace the experience that is available to me. Each time, I am astounded by how beautiful and miraculous the world around me is.
As I sit here writing this, I’m overlooking the beautiful jungle of Costa Rica. I can see ornery monkeys climbing through the trees just outside my window. I hear the uplifting sounds of birds chirping and the distant waves crashing at the ocean shore. I feel the warmth of the sun and smell the amazing food that my new friend, Chef Lindell, is generously preparing for me. In just a few hours, I’ll enjoy the epic meal he has poured his soul into cooking. This is more memorable and precious than any fleeting experience I’ve had from a fancy glass of wine.
It might sound as if I’m seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, and if I am, so be it because it’s pretty damn fantastic. By choosing to see through the eyes of joy, I’m constantly surrounded by beauty. What’s more, I’ve created a life where I get to experience it fully. This moment is not an anomaly. I’m frequently filled with gratitude and moved to tears because this version of my life is so miraculous.
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If this hit home, I’d love for you to join me on June 21st for my Sober Summer Survival Guide training .