What To Do When Your Partner Still Drinks

I write a lot about navigating the singles scene as an alcohol-free woman. But, a large portion of the women I work with are married or in long-term relationships and I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer some tools for some of the most common questions I receive from this crowd.

To begin, let me say that making the decision to change despite the fact that your significant other may have a different lifestyle and agenda is extremely brave and a sign of a high level of self-awareness. However, (as you well know) that doesn’t mean the process is easy.

Many times, the women I work with express fear or frustration associated with the fact that they are changing their relationship with alcohol...and their romantic partner is not. 

Often, I find couples going through this are often experiencing other transitions in their life, such as children leaving the nest or becoming more independent. It is then when you begin to realize you’ve been stuck in a vicious pattern of wine mom culture and you want out, but what if your husband doesn’t feel the same? What if his relationship with alcohol wasn’t as “bad” as yours? Or, what if his relationship with alcohol is worse than yours?

Whatever the case, I know how intimidating, stressful and triggering it is to feel “alone” in making a change. But, never let your partner’s choices to remain stuck in a pattern detur you from making healthy and positive decisions for yourself. This can be one of the most prevalent subconscious reasons we talk ourselves out of making a change. It would certainly be easier if our partner would commit to a change with us, but that’s not always the case.

In this article, I’ve answered some of the most common questions I’ve received from my clients who are in a relationship. I hope this insight is helpful to you.

I get frustrated by the fact that my partner still drinks; I was really hoping we could make this change together. What can I do?

It’s so great when you and your partner can support one another in a major lifestyle change. The biggest thing we have to remember is that - romantic relationship or not - it is not our job to change anyone. Our purpose is to be an example that is so brilliant, others are encouraged to follow in our footsteps.

You can not force or ultimatum anyone into change. And, most importantly, remember that your romantic partner’s resistance to change “for you” or “for your relationship” says absolutely nothing about your value or lovability. Nothing. Your partner’s relationship with alcohol is their own individual journey and you must treat it as such.

What we must focus on is our own perception of the situation. Any time we experience an emotion that we perceive is the result of someone else’s actions, it is our job to investigate how we are creating that emotion (this sucks, I know). It would be much easier to believe that the other person is at fault. But, in fact, we create our own emotions as learned responses to situations. So, if we are feeling frustrated, we must first ask, “why?” Get curious about what this situation or feeling reminds you of in terms of past experiences. When have you felt this way before that created a learned response?

Second, we must take steps to shift our perception so that we may feel better (note: many of us do choose to wallow in the pain of discomfort because it is familiar and thus easier to accept. But, now that you have realized you have a choice to shift your way of thinking, I encourage you to take it. Let’s be clear, this isn’t about willing yourself into forgiving or letting go. That rarely works.

Despite your current spiritual beliefs, I invite you to consider that there is a power greater than your own current capacity watching over you. You might call this your higher-self or the Universe, or a God. Whatever the case, this is a great opportunity to turn the burden of this specific situation over instead of trying to carry it yourself. When I implement this practice, I write or say a prayer that goes something like this, 

“Dear Universe, I am feeling frustrated by my husband’s actions and decisions. I feel separate from him. This does not feel good and I am ready to feel better. I am willing to see this situation differently. I am willing to release the resentment (or other emotion) that I feel and see him only through the eyes of love.”

I find, in many cases, that this openness to change your own mind as well as the willingness to serve as a positive example (rather than persuade or nag) has helped to shift the context of many relationships that were strained by this situation.

I quit drinking and my husband has not. He’s very supportive, but I still feel triggered by his drinking, what do I do?

When we feel “triggered” by something, it is always a special cue from our body letting us know we have work to do. A trigger is our physical reminder that we have an unhealed wound that we need to explore. Again, let me acknowledge how brave you are for being willing to explore this. Next, I must also acknowledge how hard and scary it might feel to finally start feeling the full force of old triggers that you used to dilute with alcohol. You are brave. You are strong. You can do this.

Feeling triggered by your partner’s drinking might indicate a few things. Let me suggest them below and see where they land:

• Fear of growing apart: One trigger this might bring up is the fear of growing apart. It’s common to experience this trigger in many of our relationships as we change our relationship with alcohol. We start to fear that alcohol was the liquid bond that was holding us together. This might be particularly present in couples who made drinking a large part of their relationship romance or ritual. This trigger can be particularly scary because we have subconscious truth that it is true. Didn’t you have to start drinking in order to fit in with your friends at some point in your life? Didn’t you come to believe it was an important part of your friendships and social life? Didn’t you have to take a step back from many of those friends when you changed your drinking? Didn’t you naturally feel less connected to some of those friends when you were not longer drinking? Of course, you are triggered! Your brain is doing simple deduction and coming to the conclusion that your relationship will inevitably be the next bond to break. 

• Fear of abandonment: An even deeper trigger than the fear of growing apart is the fear of abandonment. Though it might sound a bit silly to say aloud, “I quit drinking and now I’m afraid my partner will abandon me,” I want you to consider what subconscious “proof” you have of that. Have you ever broken up with a partner and watched them get into another relationship only to wonder what that woman had over you? Have you ever had a partner literally abandon you or cheat? Perhaps you even had a parent that wasn’t as attentive as you needed during childhood. All of these past wounds can be triggered when we start to see ourselves as “different” from our partner.

If either of these resonates, I encourage you to remember this: a bond sealed by love is much stronger than a friendship. Your partner chose YOU to spend the rest of their life with. I can assure you that the bond of love is stronger than any liquid bond out there.

I quit drinking; my husband has not changed his behavior and he’s not fully supportive of my change, what do I do?

I separate this answer from my previous one because I sometimes encounter the scenario of the unsupportive spouse. When our partner is unsupportive in any way, things start to get a little more complicated. You see, I believe that you deserve a partner who is your biggest cheerleader and supporter. You hired this person to be part of your “team” and if they’re not cooperating, I would highly recommend you seek therapy (preferably together) to support you as you navigate this new terrain.

I want to first send my love and encouragement to you if you are experiencing this. I cannot fathom how stressful and heartbreaking it is to feel tension in your relationship. With that, I also want to remind you that you are worthy and deserving of love and your partner’s lack of support - or downright disdain for your decision - says nothing about you as a person or partner. Know that your decision to grow and evolve can often be a trigger for someone else’s “stuckness” - this is hard, It’s awful. It particularly sucks when the “stuck” person is your romantic partner. You want to help them along, to “change” them, but you cannot.

Again, because this is a time when relationships take a new form, I highly recommend seeking the support of a therapist. Of course, if your relationship has become unsupportive or abusive in any way, I absolutely encourage you to do what is best and most safe for your self-preservation.

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Whatever your situation, I want to honor you for where you are and how far you’ve come on this journey. Changing your relationship with alcohol is a bold and brave decision. Changing your relationship with alcohol despite your partner’s decision is even bolder. Although I will repeat my recommendation for therapy, I will also encourage you to consider booking a few 1:1 sessions to support you as you navigate this transition, particularly if you’re not finding your spouse is the exact kind of cheerleader you need as you shift your relationship with alcohol. Typically, in just a few 1:1 calls, I can help you pinpoint the underlying factors that are triggering you or increasing your struggle and help you to reframe those thoughts. If you’d like to inquire about 1:1 sessions, just send me an email - hello@authenticallyamanda.com - and we can find a time to get to know one another.