The 4 Stages Of Changing Your Relationship With Alcohol

Why What You’re Experiencing Is Completely Normal

If you are on a journey to change your relationship with alcohol, I see you and I feel you because I’ve been there too. Although now I’ve made a confident decision that drinking no longer contributes anything to my life, I remember very well my days as a sober curious woman who wished deeply I could have a take-it-or-leave-it relationship with alcohol. I remember wondering if I was the only one silently questioning my relationship with booze and experiencing awful anxiety after I drank. I wondered if people would think I had a problem if I were to quit. I sat paralyzed in indecision for quite some time before making the decision to take a break in January 2017.

I remember what it was like trudging through those first 30-days, making the decision to keep going, wondering if I’d ever drink again, and finally feeling at peace with my decision to explore an alcohol-free lifestyle long term. During my journey to find freedom from alcohol, I’ve noted that there are four distinct stages you go through when changing your relationship with alcohol…if you’re in the midst of it now, know that wherever you are, what you’re experiencing is completely normal.

The Sober Curious Stage

(A Few Streaks Alcohol-Free) You’ve started to hear a tiny whisper in your conscience...maybe your life would be better without alcohol. You wonder momentarily if you have a problem. But, no, you are high-functioning in the world, you are successful, you are not dependent on alcohol. You aren’t drinking any more than your peers, but you’re drinking a lot...and more than you want to. Yet, you wonder if they’re feeling this way too. You wonder if their hangovers are leaving them as debilitated as you’ve been...and it’s not just physical, it’s mental too. You’ve started to experience a weird sort of anxiety the days after you drink.

This anxiety (along with the physical hangover) leaves you nearly paralyzed. You have so many goals, dreams, and desires tugging at your heart, but you can’t quite find the motivation to go after them fully. Even on the days after your physical hangover has subsided, you still feel slightly under a fog...as if there are parts of your brilliance that you’re still unable to access. The thing is, people around you already think you’re doing great. On the outside, it looks like you have it all together. But you can’t shake this feeling that you are made for more.

You make the decision to moderate, you don’t want to completely call it quits...but moderation is hard. It’s like a mental gymnastics of sorts. You frequently go out intending to have “just a few” yet end up having “a few too many.” You kick yourself the next day and vow to do better next time. You wonder how taking a solid break from alcohol might make you feel. While you haven’t mustered up the will to fully take the plunge, you can’t help but hear that tiny voice of your conscience, urging you to explore this thought further.

The Sober Idealist Stage

(1-30 Days Alcohol-Free). You’ve decided to listen to your inner voice and have committed to taking a break from alcohol for 30-days. You know you don’t “have a problem” and you’re confident that this 30-day break will serve as a mental and physical reset you’ve needed, allowing you to enjoy the life of moderation that you’ve been thinking about. 

You know you can make it through 30 consecutive days, but darn, it is a test of your willpower. You experience the Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO), but you’re committed. You’ve found that sometimes it’s easier to stay in and avoid the temptation of drinking rather than go out with friends and white-knuckle it. 

You’ve heard about all the wonderful things that start to happen when you quit drinking: weight loss, better skin, better sleep...you’re still waiting on those to kick in. But you have saved some money from not buying cocktails.

You’re counting down the days to the end of the month. If you can make it to 30, you’ll have proven to yourself that you, indeed, don’t have a problem. You’ll have proven that you don’t have to drink. Surely now you’ll be able to moderate more easily and can say “goodbye” to those nasty physical and mental hangovers.

The Sober Realist Stage

(31-90 Days Alcohol-Free) You realized somewhere during your 30 day break that it wasn’t going to be enough. It dawned on you that 30 days was not enough to shift a habit you’d had for years (if not decades). Thirty days was easier than you’d thought. It made you feel powerful. You’ve realized if you want to transform your relationship with booze, you need to give this alcohol-free thing an honest try. You’ve told your peers you’re not drinking for 90 days now. This feels like a concrete commitment you can stand behind if they hassle you.

For the most part, things are going really well. You’re experiencing a bit of euphoria even. You’re craving sugar a little, but that’s okay...you’re saving thousands of calories not drinking so you can afford a piece of cake here and there.

You’ve started to dip your toe back into the social pond a bit more. While you’re confident going out with friends and having a club soda, you still worry how you will survive certain social interactions without drinking, so you avoid many of them. But, to be honest, you’ve begun to find your old social routines to be a bit dull. You ask yourself, “Did I think this was fun?”

When it comes to social events, you find yourself arriving early and leaving early. You still have FOMO, but have realized that you’re missing out on much less than you’d originally suspected. You start to seek out opportunities to hang out with your friends in scenes that don’t involve alcohol at all. It’s gratifying and uplifting to have these experiences. Still, you struggle with some friendships. You notice that you’re not as fulfilled with some of them. This makes you feel anxious. You wonder if they are judging you. You wonder if you will want-to or have-to find new friends if you continue on this path. It seems overwhelming.

You struggle sometimes with explaining to others why you’re not drinking. You feel compelled to explain your situation so you can assure them you don’t “have a problem” and are just taking a break. You’ve realized how rare it is for people to do this. You find people are impressed by your commitment. They admire it and suggest they’d like to do the same, yet lack the bravery to do so.

You’ve also become more comfortable with staying in and having time to yourself. You’ve begun to realize that there’s a lot of “stuff” coming up for you now that you’ve taken a longer-term break from booze. You feel compelled to sit with your emotions a bit more, even though it’s tremendously foreign and uncomfortable.

Even though you feel good, you often find yourself with an odd fear in the pit of your stomach...what if you decide to stay with this? What if you decide to never drink again? What will that mean? You know you can make it through 90 days...but a lifetime? You start to envision weddings and vacations and each and every scenario where you won’t be able to drink. You feel an odd sense of mourning for the you that would have been drinking in those scenes.

Though there is still some discomfort, this does feel easier than you’d thought. You’ve really started to experience some of the stronger effects of giving up alcohol. You’re sleeping better, feeling better physically, looking better. You feel happy. You’re saving a lot of money. Even though the thought of giving up alcohol longer term is frightening, you’re actually starting to consider it.

The Sober Minded Stage

(91-365+ Days Alcohol-Free) All-of-the-sudden, this started to feel easy. It started to feel good. Though there’s still some uncertainty, you’ve decided you’re going to keep going. Maybe you’ve decided on staying dry through the end of the year or perhaps you’ve set no end date and plan on going with the flow. Whichever way, you’ve realized that your life is pretty good without alcohol.

You are still finding your footing in social circles, but you have a routine. You know how to plan ahead and are comfortable drinking sparkling water while your friends sip cocktails. When a stranger inevitably asks why you aren’t drinking, you are much more confident with your response. You’ve realized just how brave you are for committing to this lifestyle.

There are times when you still feel left out at social gatherings. However, you’ve come to realize that you can indeed have fun without alcohol. An even greater epiphany strikes you: perhaps if a situation is not fun without alcohol...it’s simply not fun at all.

You are taking more and more time to explore the emotions and fears you were covering up with drinking. This is a slow and challenging process. You’re constantly surprising yourself. It is hard, but it is worth it. You know you’ve unlocked a secret super-power of sorts.

This makes you feel powerful. Really powerful. You notice you’re thinking more clearly and that your memory and mood seem to be improving. You’ve already started going after other goals you’ve dreamed about for so long, yet lacked the willpower, brainpower, and stamina to pursue. The fog you once felt is mostly gone. You feel more motivated and focused. You are suddenly quite optimistic that your dreams can be yours.

You still find yourself wondering if this decision will be forever and there is still some uneasiness there. However,  you’re feeling pretty “over” alcohol and honestly feel little desire to drink. You truly feel so good that you want to keep this streak going.

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As a woman who has navigated through each stage of this journey, my dedication is to share my lessons with other women who identify as gray area drinkers and support them on their journey. No matter where you are on your journey, I’d love to help you avoid the common stumbling blocks of giving up booze in a world that seems to be obsessed with drinking.

If you’d like to share where you are on your current journey, & learn more about upcoming programs designed specifically for where you are, click the button to join my program waitlist. No matter if you drink a lot, a little, or not at all; I’ve got something for you.