If you’re like me - and many of my clients - it’s likely you didn’t have precisely the relationship you might have liked with your mother growing up. There may be many parts of your inner child that feel neglected, unloved, unfulfilled, remorseful, or even deeply upset about your relationship with your mother (or father).

But, since I write for women, and this is Mother’s Day, let’s focus specifically on the relationship you had with your mother. Today, I want to offer you a very special exercise I share with many of my clients who are working to repair their relationship with alcohol, only to find that there is so much more that has contributed to their drinking habits than the presence of alcohol.

While I truly believe that all of our parents did the best they could with the knowledge and resources they had, this sentiment doesn’t matter to a child who is making meaning out of experiences with their initial attachment figure. Yes, I’m sure your parents did have the best of intentions, yet the interpretations of our young mind are what stick with us. These early interpretations are imprinted on our psyche and often dictate how we judge our own worthiness and capability as an adult.

At the time I’m writing this, we’re just a few days into the recommended onset of suggested “social distancing” as a result of the Coronavirus outbreak.

As I made my obligatory trip to the grocery store to stock up on a few supplies, I watched as people filled their carts with extra wine bottles, preparing for the possible period of isolation, I thought, “Wow, there has truly never been a better time to be sober...I’ve literally been training for this.”

So, while many are freaking out at the prospect of social distancing, I’m realizing that my alcohol-free lifestyle is going to serve as an amazing tool as we’re encouraged to practice social distancing. I’m embracing this time as a necessary mandate to look within and slow down. But, I’ve also spent the last three years doing the work to get to a point where the prospect of being mostly alone in my home isn’t frightening to me.

However, I know there are several of you who don’t yet share my same sentiment. I know that the prospect of being isolated is daunting.

The good news is that I’m here to reflect back to you the goodness that is being alcohol-free. So, whether you’re currently alcohol-free or just sober-curious, I’d love to share with you how I’m choosing to look at being alcohol-free as an absolute gift during times like these.

I’ve written a lot over the past three years on the topic of sobriety and why I think it’s one of the raddest things ever. It is undeniably the foundational decision that has led to every accomplishment, joy, and triumph I’ve had since.

Making the decision to remove alcohol completely from my lifestyle was not an easy one. I faced a ton of head-trash and social programming that had long convinced me to stay stuck in my patterns. If you’ve been considering giving up alcohol, you’ve probably had a similar fear-based track reeling in your head:

• Who will I be as a non-drinker?

• How will I have a social life if I don’t drink?

• What will I do at weddings? Parties? Happy Hour? Vacation?

• How will I relax after a long day? Celebrate after a big win at work?

When it comes to navigating the world alcohol-free, the struggle is absolutely real.

If you’ve kicked off the new year by taking a break from alcohol (or are just taking a break from drinking in general, really), you might be wondering, “now what?” when it comes to your drinking habits and your overall relationship with alcohol. You might even be counting down the days until you can have a sip of your favorite boozy cocktail or a glass of wine. 

Before you start making too many plans, I want to encourage you to take a moment to reflect back on why you took the month off of alcohol in the first place…

“Alcohol doesn’t make things more interesting; it makes your mind stupid so that things that would otherwise have bored it are suddenly enough to occupy it.”

I did my first and last Dry January nearly three years ago in 2017. I say “last” ironically as it was the catalyst for me to give up alcohol for good...so technically every January is Dry January now.

Since then, I’ve become an advisor and mentor to ambitious, high-achieving women who want to change their relationship with alcohol. Many of them begin their journey working with me as a part of Dry January. Each year, I see an influx of optimistic souls who hope to transform their relationship with alcohol using Dry January as their magic bullet. 

As someone who has consciously watched this process unfold, I’m here to set the record straight for you by sharing what most people get wrong about Dry January...and how you can get it right.

And Why Is It Such A Problem?

My teacher, Jolene Park (and notable expert on the topic) defines gray area drinking as “the space between the extremes of rock bottom and every-now-and-again drinking.” 

A few years ago, I found myself fumbling through the gray area, not quite sure why I was doing all-the-things, yet unable to get the results I wanted in my life. From the outside, it looked like I had it all together. I was an intelligent, successful, attractive, fit, high-achieving woman. I had a good job, car, house...you know the story. But, on the inside, I was secretly questioning my relationship with alcohol. Maybe you’ve found yourself in the gray area too...do any of these sound familiar?…

How I Feel Being Around Drinkers As An Alcohol-Free Advocate

If you’re currently alcohol-free or on the path of sober curiosity, you’re bound to have others inquire as to how you feel about being around other people who are drinking. While I encourage you to form your own opinions and feelings on the topic, I wanted to share my perspective because it’s evolved quite a bit during my time as a non-drinker).

Here’s the short version: I don’t mind if other people drink around me. I’m not a prohibitionist and I’m not at all triggered by alcohol (I gave it up by choice and truly no longer desire it). I’m genuinely not bothered if people are drinking around me, but my opinion now has more layers than that. I have a more developed narrative of thoughts that run through my head depending on the type of drinkers and scenes I’m around. This is how I break it down:

For years, I’d get the Sunday Scaries. That feeling of anxiety that set in when I started to think about going back to reality after the weekend. I’d have a sense of sadness and dread. It would be difficult to wind down and fall asleep on Sunday night. The anxiety would spill over into Monday morning as I’d trudge back into the office...have you been there?

Typically, I’d be fading out of a hangover that started at happy hour on Friday night. I’d meet up with my other young, successful contemporaries and we’d lament about the workweek with a few cocktails, eventually staying up until the late hours of the evening. 

Often, we’d each rise the next morning feeling less-than stellar and start a plan to meet up for brunch (read: mimosas and bloody Mary’s) to quell our hangovers, perhaps repeating the entire saga for Saturday night.

I never questioned this process...it’s just what single people in their 20s and 30s did. We were all successful, properly functioning people who’d unwind and celebrate the week by tying it on hard during the weekend...again, I ask: Have you been there?

If so, let me share my two-part antidote for beating the Sunday Scaries with you. But first, let me warn you that my approach goes against the grain just a bit. But, if you’re curious and brave and have even the tiniest bit of a feeling you are meant for something extraordinary in this life, I invite you to keep reading with an open mind.

This weekend I had the pleasure of hearing a wonderful talk about mindfulness by a local female entrepreneur who I deeply admire. In her work, she often speaks to corporate offices whose team members would benefit from interrupting their daily grind with a bit of mindfulness. Indeed, mindfulness can help you to re-wire your brain and shift the way you respond to everyday stressors.

I believe that everyone can benefit from mindfulness practices and that it’s so valuable to have our minds open to new and healthy ways of processing our realities. There’s only one problem...I also note that many of the organizations who bring in mindfulness practitioners and other self-care experts tout company kegs, bar carts and frequent happy hours as benefits to being a part of their company culture.

Why What You’re Experiencing Is Completely Normal

If you are on a journey to change your relationship with alcohol, I see you and I feel you because I’ve been there too. Although now I’ve made a confident decision that drinking no longer contributes anything to my life, I remember very well my days as a sober curious woman who wished deeply I could have a take-it-or-leave-it relationship with alcohol. I remember wondering if I was the only one silently questioning my relationship with booze and experiencing awful anxiety after I drank. I wondered if people would think I had a problem if I were to quit. I sat paralyzed in indecision for quite some time before making the decision to take a break in January 2017.

During my journey to find freedom from alcohol, I’ve noted that there are four distinct stages you go through when changing your relationship with alcohol. I’d love for you to read these and share with me where you are now:

Today - September 29th, 2019 - is my 1000th day free from alcohol. I’ll be honest, I don’t track my days anymore because not drinking is just part of my lifestyle...it’s just something I don’t do. Miraculously, it’s also something I don’t have any desire to do...I never thought I’d be here.

Hi, my name is Amanda and I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, back in my drinking days, I was what you would have considered a run-of-the-mill social drinker. I drank just like everyone else in my social circle: a glass of wine with dinner here or there, happy hours, social events. But, as a single, thirty-something - the social events were plentiful. There’d be dinner and drinks with friends and a round of bar hopping on Friday night followed by brunch on Saturday to recover before being productive (or at least attempting to) for a few hours and going back out Saturday night.

Plus, my best tips for upping your sleep hygiene game and getting great sleep without a nightcap.

I took prescription sleep aids for more years than I’d like to admit. I had tremendous anxiety when it came to the thought of not being able to get to sleep. I was easily frustrated by my mind that would not seem to quiet itself enough for me to rest. Long story short: I know what it’s like to struggle with sleep. I know how tempting an “easy solution” can feel when you think you’re a “bad sleeper”.

Real talk: I’m not a seasoned travler. I spent my summers in the Midwest going on weekend driving vacations. I didn’t get on a plane until graduate school and didn’t leave the country until after I’d turned 30. I’m only just getting into the groove when it comes to knowing what types of travel I’m into. Sometimes, travel seems intimidating and I’ve been grateful to have so many willing travel buddies to guide me and share experiences with me over the past few years.

In the last few months, however, I’ve really been slipping into a season of introversion and desiring to spend more time with myself and those with whom I have really close soul connections. When it became quite obvious recently that it was time for a getaway, I made the conscious choice to travel alone. I booked a last minute trip to Tulum, Mexico (read more about my travel experience and recommendations here) with the clear intention of reconnecting with my intuition, which I’d lost sight of during a recent season of business.

I visited Tulum for the first time in May of 2017. I’d heard so many wonderful things about this destination being the boho-travelers dream. However, the all-inclusive resort I stayed at for a friend’s wedding was nothing like the Tulum I’d been told about.

Just two years later, in May 2019, I decided to venture back for my own solo exploration of this magical beach destination. The purpose of my trip was to unplug, rest, relax, and experience the culture of this beautiful place. If you’re in need of a refreshing solo trip, Tulum is your destination - here is my guide.

How a Breakup with Booze & Boys Helped Me To Truly Love Myself

I walked into the dimly-lit theater and apprehensively took my seat. At 31, this was the first time I’d ever treated myself to a movie solo. My thirty-first year would be full of many firsts. This was my first of many dates with myself.

The catalyst behind this newfound relationship with little old me was born out of necessity. It was only a few months before that I’d made the decision to take a break from alcohol. A “party girl” in my 20s, I’d had a sudden sense that my life might be better without it. So, as terrified as I was to navigate the world without a substance that had given me the confidence to date in the first place, I listened to my intuition and broke up with booze.

Little did I know that eliminating alcohol from my life would fuel one of the most intense and important periods of personal growth I’m sure I will experience in my lifetime.